I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
You missed out on a serious adventure. Cops were called. We put a chicken in someones house.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
Hey did where's my bong?
In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right
Should I bother to ask?
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
you ever just feel like an organ is failing?
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize