So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.
What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
I guess I should mention that I have already fucked the Fed Ex guy.
That changes everything.
My cousin's dog just exhaled smoke. My job here is done.
Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
Remind me again why sleeping with a coworker and his wife would be a terrible idea.
woke up outside on the porch naked surrounded by beer cans with a towl around my neck. i must be in heaven cause i've never seen this place before.
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy
Touche. Dude, I fastened garters. Drunk. I deserve a medal from a drag queen.
they told me if I wanted to live here I had to get an ass tattoo and then they all mooned me simultaneously. ass tattoos as far as the eye could see.
Come on in. I'm butt naked, in the kitchen, eating ice pops
I'd like to know who hasn't seen my tits tonight.
Randomize
