Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
dude you were so wasted last night you ate a sandwich made out of tomatos, cheese, doritos, salt & pepper. Then you heated it in the micro for 5 min to melt the cheese.
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.
I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today
Went to anytime fitness at 3:34 am drunk after the the bar and getting whataburger. Lifted weights with my cheeseburger between my knees. That's called DEDICATION.
First day of class and I'm in a bar drinking pitcher #3. Foreshadowing?
No it's okay, we're just driving to random places with the portable stripper pole and causing a ruckus.
Oh that's normal
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
That's the saddest description of touching yourself I've heard since someone said "I was just lazily rubbing my clitoris while eating Cheetos alone"
Please tell me you woke up next to the hot one cause his ugly friend is still snoring in my bed and my favorite panties are ripped.
Wingwoman of the year. I'll buy you dinner tonight and a new thong. It was THAT good.
Went home with a male stripper who looked like Justin Timberlake.. I started singing cry me a river mid sex. When he sang along I fell in love
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
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