My liver just broke up with me...
How do i write this on his wall without making it sound like he gave me an std?
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
While I was sneeking out of her apartment, there was a giant cage with a parrot in it. I half expected it to squak "hit and run...hit and run."
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Randomize
