Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.
I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.
My student's should feel privledged to see me tuesday after the amount of alcohol I consumed this weekend.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
Just used my front-facing camera to check my pupils. Technology!
Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Coffee's working. Just killed a fly with my bare hands.\nFuck with me.
Randomize
