Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."
someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.
You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"
do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?
story of my life.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
You realize at the bar last night we blew on imaginary whistles like rose from titanic right?
We found her on the trampoline. She told us she was jumping so she could puke & rally. I think I want to marry her.
I fucking, woke up on a couch with a towel as a blanket to someones lion king ringtone.
Oh god I want to come home! They have an air raid siren here that alerts their neighbours across the desert it's time to come over on atvs and drink.
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
I know he's not here, but I can still see him. I found some of my old stash and its good shit so its expected to see sunlight at night and scary llama men. Midgets or otherwise.
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
i think we reached that point in our drunkenness where even the creeps found us intolerable
Randomize
