My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?
I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
Just stared at a tree for a solid 5 minutes because I thought a German Shepard was perched on a limb.
Ok, it's starting to sound like someone's out there trying to learn to play the trombone while breaking kitchenware.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
Current status: Finding an unwrapped portion of Subway sandwich in my purse at the pharmacy counter & picking pieces of tomato off my wallet while the pharmacist watches disdainfully.
Did you offer her some?
If only. Current status: Not that clever.
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
Please tell me you did not shit your Disney princess costume.
Just had a small freak out because I couldn't get my bra unhooked and thought I was gonna be stuck in it forever.
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