Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
you left a paper here that says 'to do list' but it looks like you just wrote "drink a bunch of cough syrup and watch Who's the Boss" like 60 times
Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
The doctor basically called me a dirty dick.
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
I'm reading fall out boy fanfic. What has my life come to.
Randomize
