Emee failed...She used my genitals as a tampon
This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free
It's shedding
I told you penises don't tan
I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.
Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.
Just wondering did you put mouse traps and brownies on my porch?
My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town
We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.
I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Instead of more alcohol, I decided to drink tea. Lets slow clap it out for me
Just read the 12 signs you're a horrible roommate post and fucking in your roommate's bed wasn't on the list, so I'm a pretty awesome roommate.
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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