she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
its official now. im not pissing on secret service cars with a senators inside anymore.
The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
I think mounting someone proves who's house this is
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
He stood me up and then his cat died. I feel like this is Gods way of saying he's on my side, even after the tequila fiasco.
We found him. He was passed out in a McDonalds booth with at least 6 big Mac wrappers. The employee said he kept yelling that he was in America and had the freedom to have big macs. Fucking Italians...
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
I would totes reciprocate the nip pic, but I'm sick with a piece of tissue shoved up one of my nostrils and I'm just not feeling that ambitious. Sorry.
only i would get off to receiving death threats online
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
Randomize