If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Dude she was 62...with a boob job. And I'm proud to say I made out with that.
I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012
That's thinking positively..
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
Nm. Exausted and my teeth just fell out again
I started rolling down the window so he pulled into a gas station and i puked all over the side of the car while some dude stared at me. I waved and we drove away
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
I'd rather not be labeled as that girl who came over, drank a bunch of their alcohol, woke up the 5 year old, broke shit and left
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
Your uterus is safe from my father's misconstrued prophecies.
I tried to get more sleep but the universe decided I needed a drunken freshman instead
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Randomize
