hes 24 and dating a highschool junior and keeps saying how happy he is. happy about what? her ACT score??
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
i just got cum up my nose. i would have expected more from the captain of the men's lacrosse team
And by "hammer out the details" you know I mean spending 20 minutes on wedding plans then getting wine drunk, right?
So the keyword here is "hammered"?
I need to make a new year's resolution to only pee in toilets. And it needs to start happening before the new year.
i was in burrito mode and too drunk to move. no fucks were given. none.
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
He pulled a kid having a seizure out of a car and stayed with him until the ambulance came.
he what???
Not kidding. My ovaries cannot handle this shit...swear next time he'll rescue a bunch of pound puppies and hand them out to lonely orphans.
You were all "think outside the box, inside the bag!" as you filled your camelback with beer.
do me a favor, I need this weekend off so can you work your magic and blow my boss again?
Are there edibles for sale in the Denver airport because if so bring those to my mouth
I'm taking pictures of my asshole to send to my boss. This is not what I had in mind the day after thanksgiving.
I've also stopped shaving, like, everything. I can't tell if I'm empowered or sad
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
Randomize
