P.S. I can't hear my feet
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
so after he got his stomach pumped, he asked for a smoking room.
she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
Best part: she drunkenly told me I'm dangerous then slurred to my parents that I should watch out in case I fall in love with her. Then she mounted a pinata
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
I told my manager that I would be coming in to work either high from edibles on purpose or tripping on acid by accident so he knows to check my work tomorrow.
...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.
I will never use my dick in anger. With great dick comes great responsibility
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
He was about to go in...and he fell off the bed. Ruined mood!
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