I don't think we should have started that trash fire
Just write off about 10000+ brain cells and 6 months of your lifespan.
Sounds like a normal friday night
besides i was ending his dry spell. it's written in the bible that jesus likes that right?
I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Listen, dont tell me about your day or that your mom is in town. Don't ask me to drive you to the airport or proofread your paper. Text me when and only when you have a boner. Oh and take your pants off and leave your front door unlocked because I'm coming over.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
