there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
dude i woke up in a pile of chocolate chips. this has to stop happening
We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
My mascara kind of smells like tequila to me...Is this my body crying for help or asking for a shot?
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
I'm doing blow on my fuzzy rug
Come join me
I think I'm too tall to 69 successfully.
I think I might cry.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
So while you were living in this woman's apartment, you acquired a room mate, fucked her daughter, and killed her bunny. Worst sitter ever
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
Next time you have him paint you an outfit so you can do you walk the street naked TAKE A SHOWER BEFORE YOU GET IN THE BED. MY sheets look like like an acid trip
I woke up in the middle of the night with my dick out and my electric blanket on high. It's like she wanted a hot dog.
I am downtown smoking a joint with Woody Harrelson...Because our car won't start. I will be there as soon as I can.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
