the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
he got instantly turned off in the middle of a blowjob when he heard the news "twilight beat the blockbuster record of batman"
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.
yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
My boss just called me for legal advice. What has my life become?
If our text convos ever saw the light of day lives would be in tatters
I feel very compelled to cut off the person's ears that is sitting in front of me
Tried to land my foot on his shoulder and kicked him in the face. Then I fell into a homeless man's bike and posed with a buffalo head. How was your night?
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
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