we were taking shots of hot tequila, which is even worse than it sounds
Can you still call it a wet dream if sandwiches were involved?
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose
basically theres shrimp everywhere. splattered on the walls, in the carpet, its bad. ohh theyre never gonna get the smell out.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
We were having an argument with his friends mom about whether it was worse that he bootycalled me at 4 a.m. or that I bootycalled him at 12 in the afternoon
It just wouldn't be valentines day if i didn't invite 90% of the guys i've slept with to go to the strip club with me
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I can't ever look his wife in the eye again. She will see right through my soul to his dick pic.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
woke with Taco Bell next to me in bed and people's shoe sizes written on my arm.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
You whispered 'For Frodo', handed me your shirt, and charged campus security.
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