I murdered the dance floor call the cops
If God had a period, it would result in diet faygo redpop
Just turned elections for the sorority into a drinking game. Right on.
College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant
I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Someone in a vagina costume on campus.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
Whenever you have to pee or whatever I'll be over here to harass you
I met someone else! And I had a wonderful orgasm! And he wants to see me again, like take me out!
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
Randomize
