i'm not a human right now. not even a dancer.
i had a dream that your penis turned into a long neck dinosaur
did it start talking like on Land before time?
The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...
Maybe he just has a boisterous penis
i just realized the only form of arm exercise i get is holding my arms up in the stand up tanning booth
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I'm applying temporary tattoos with green beer, this is the life.
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I think a girl on my floor is watching zombie porn. There is literally no other description for the noise coming from her room.
I just tried to roll over and fell off the bed. I think that is the beds way of kicking me out
I mean I'm not saying I have my life together but I did just put nerds in a bottle of champagne and then drank from the bottle
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
if you and your penis don't hurry up, I'm getting drunk without you.
Randomize
