tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will
and a girl gets the red ring of death every month
i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love
Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
normally i would apologize for my drunk texting but even sober me agrees.
Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
There were slices of bread pasted to the wall with peanut butter this morning. I don't want to know
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
I just remember yelling "BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS BODY SHOTS" while I was streaking
They don't have a Valentines Day card for the married guy I'm sleeping with. It can't use the words, love, soulmate, you're the only one for me...and obviously it can't be anything related to spending the day together because that's not happening.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
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