Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face
whispering "taste the rainbow" well having sex isn't my biggest turn on.
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
Tipped our cab with a photo booth pic of us, a paper dollar, a dollar in quarters, a crest white strip. And a tanning pass valid in boston
i think smoking weed in a ladies bathroom on the beach with two dudes might be the shadiest thing ive done in a while
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
Had a dream I dropped the L word and immediately threatened to kill myself
You probably shouldn't be having nightmares about expressing affection
Sorry I banged your sister. But in my defense you ain't fucked me in a month. In fact I should get a medal for keeping it in your family.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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