We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
SO stoned. Sitting in just a thong in front of a fan. NO work for a WEEK! Life is good :)
I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.
Her underwear doesnt even match. If youre going to be a face book whore at least have matching shit.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.
3 2 1 whiskey
Got home. All the lights were on. All the doors were unlocked. My room was covered in beads, there's puke in the sink and of course our toilet is still broke. I'd say it was a decent Mardi Gras
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
It was bad. U were calling my cat "kittiano" and playing her like a piano. Way too drunk my friend.
Randomize
