apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
There are only families here. I'm at the bar alone double fisting drinks. You cannot get any more approachable than I am now.
At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.
We officially wrote our house rules 1. We do not waste alcohol 2. Pinky promises mean something 3. Don't leave your facebook open, and if you do, don't complain 4. Never refuse cuddle or catch phrase
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
When I see myself in tank tops and push up bras I seriously wonder why I'm not President.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
You know when you're a kid and you play at the pool until you passed out? It was like that except instead of playing it was sex.
Randomize