After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.
I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
Randomize
