She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
i woke up to find out i shared my bed with a full, open can of natty light last night and didnt spill it. then i drank it for breakfast.
Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out
i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
being pregnant is like rehab
There's a homeless man outside the bar. I have a toothbrush and toothpaste in my car. I think i'm going to give them to him. And they said drinking is bad.
You're so thoughtful.
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
He smells like sex and magic. I’m already naming our children
Maybe you should talk to him first
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