I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
That poor girl was naked and had to be at a job interview in an hour
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
Yes, that was ME getting carried out of the club singing 'i believe i can fly'
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I got a lap dance from a guy last night dressed as a school girl. Heels and all. His heels got stuck in my fish nets
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club
All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
I got drunk. Then I took a shit.
It was a good shit
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
