Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
I just cut my nipple shaving
He just knocked over the beer pong table... I haven't seen so much fail in one room since I watched "Mall Cop" with my grandma
I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
I'm stealing this baby.
Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
I probably would do him if given the chance but how awkward would Bible study be after that.
So hungover that I might just sit in my car and wait until chipotle opens...in two hours...
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
