can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Dont touch anything! You just got rid of your crabs!
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
Come help me clean and have sexual intercourse with me
Bring breadsticks
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
I'm in the woods tripping balls the water is rising why don't you answer me
The important thing is that she is gone, presumably back to the depths of hell from whence she came.
I'll never lecture you, go get that dick baby girl make momma proud,I didn't raise no quitter
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
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