People in love make me want to vomit
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something
And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.
We can add pilot to the list of people who's lives I've changed...with my penis.
could you clean the juice and feathers off my bed I'm just not up for hangover cleaning.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
He talked to you for like two seconds while you were shit faced doing Forest Gump impressions...how is that possible?
I'm drawing the line at your vagina. I will not accompany you to get that pierced and/or tattooed. There's got to be some mystery to our relationship.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
You know it was a weird week when you have a mystery bruise and youre unsure if it was from crazy sex or getting bit by a duck. Life.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
Randomize