i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.
well..are you winning?
Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!
Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...
meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
it's just one of those nights where i don't care if anyone sees my vagina
Yeah, surprised you made it on time this morning. Remarkable, considering 2 hours ago you were pretending to be talking window curtains.
I woke up and found cookies in my purse. It's a 12/12/12 miracle.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
His dick isn't even good enough to be this much of an asshole
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