Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.
Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
i have at this current moment imbibed enough alcohol to float immerse or otherwise submerge a goat of respectable size. tequila
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
We are without power. He took ALL the lightbulbs out and hid them.
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I almost put an adult beverage in my sippy cup for the beach but realized the next step would be rehab.
No the next step is being buzzed at the beach. I would've.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
you have 30 seconds to convince me not to grab this guy's crotch in front of his girlfriend
Randomize
