Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
Turns out he's not gay. He just didn't know how else to say he's not into me. He just hit on my sister.
Vanessa Carlton's songs would be so much better if she was pretty
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
found a cell phone. in the freezer. wrapped in bologna. explain?
Send me the picture of my mugshot, my boss got arrested last night and I'm trying to make her feel better.
I sat on the toilet and peed through my jeans, then I pissed the bed and blamed him...do you think well have a 2nd date?
He just had a handle of vodka with ice in it yelling at people hot august night mother fuckaaaaa and was pouring it on his face
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
NOT ALL OF US HAVE THE HANDS OF GODDAMN ANGELS YOU KNOW
You walked around in your costume going up to every guy saying "I'm a squirrel, give me your nuts"
Randomize
