I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it
I dont have a dog?
WTF
I might be drunk enough to make out with you. You don't want to miss this unique opportunity.
I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I think we should boobie trap our beer this time using duct tape, rubber bands, seran wrap, and urine. Trust me I have a plan and it will work.
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
My lease is up and I've been thinking, it's only fair that the guys I've fucked in this apartment in the past year help me move. They enjoyed the bed, now help me move it.
So nothing to worry about, but i'm probly going to jail soon, just thought i should let you know so you didn't worry. Bye!
How do I stop your cat from bathing me? I'm afraid she'll get drunk off my sweat
Randomize
