wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
I left you pizza on the porch. I didn't want to wake you, if you were passed out on the bathroom floor again. Sorry if it's cold.
there are some nice people on this island. free ride free pancakes and they even prayed for us when they dropped us off
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
This hobo said he can't buy alcohol bc he got in trouble bc a girl sat on his face when he was passed out and misaligned his spine and gave him Alzheimer's so Ali is buying him a bottle. This is Vegas.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
So... remember when you threw an orange in the closet when we were 16 to make wine? Just found it. Not wine.
I'm eating pizza in the bathtub
Omg the sex was so good my ears popped. Thank god too. Cause then I didn't have to hear him going on and on about his dumbass feelings. It's called a booty call bitch.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
