There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.
A kid wearing a Batman belt buckle in my psych class just asked how people get pee fetishes. I'm too high for this.
He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.
she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.
I was always good at matching as a child.
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
You kept trying to get the girl i brought home to hook up with you by enticing her with 12 baconnators you brought home
It's like my uterus was saying, "hey, you're not pregnant, but imagine if you were!"
Two really nice girls helped clean the taco out of my hair.
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
Used my brand new sperrys as a trash can to throw up in and woke up with someone's random key in my hair...new year new me:)
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize