Third unemployed latin in my bed this week. I'm on a roll
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
WHY DOES GOD HATE MY DICK
I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
I feel like someone poured gasoline and bleach in my nose and lit it on fire.
Why! I don't feel that at all!!!! I feel jipped
If I was home I'd be ouija boarding the fuck out of the house, haven't been this high since that day
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
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