I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry
Measuring your booze intake in glasses is like measuring Rosie O'Donnell's weight in ounces.
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail
I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'
You should have totally come, I started watering down vodka with cider. I have lost the sense of taste.
Do you think wearing a shirt that says I like penis is too much for tonight?
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
She kept calling herself DJ McDonalds and said she wanted to make some Egg McMusic.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
"I'm not drinking any more tonight." As I dipped my quesadilla in a shot of tequila....then eats it
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
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