i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.
Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I just realized that he was my first random hookup that didnt cause a massive breakup or divorce. Im starting to grow up
I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.
I'm sorry, when did "I like your shit" become an acceptable pickup line?
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
I had just gotten to his place and was about to get some dick. No way was I gonna let her negative attitude affect my orgasm feng shui
Randomize
