I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.
Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."
How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?
4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee
I fingered myself to realization that I don't need birth control if there is never a guy.
i wish i could tell my students that all of their lessons plans were brought to them by captain morgan and diet coke. it's like seasame street, only for high schoolers being taught by a student teacher.
It's hot as dicks out. Lets get drunk on the roof and make pterodactyl sounds at people.
I feel like I should acknowledge that I see you as a human and not a ragdoll sex object
I just got a text giving me an hour window for when my vibrator is gonna be delivered. If that's not awesome customer service, I don't know what is.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
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