I'm sorry that you don't think that "Daddy Issues" are a real thing, but I can tell you that some assholes who never went to their daughter's dance recitals are responsible for getting me laid...continuously.
I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth
Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?
so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.
I've never been 12-exclamation-point-excited for sex. That must have been good.
we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory
Well they kicked us out after we started heckling the acrobats
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
female sloths literally scream when they want sex and can be heard up to 700 meters away
i think i might be a female sloth
Getting "I couldn't find the front door so I climbed in through window" drunk seems to be a habit of yours
His dad gives me dirty looks whenever I come over though. I think it's because I eat his food and have sex with his son.
mom is telling me the setting in which I was conceived
did you know we used to have a pool?
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
I’m also apparently a very socialist drunk now
Instead of a horny one. All I want to fuck is capitalism these days.
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