he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
btw he is cheating on one twin with the other. the main woman in his life has a mullet. I defiantly have either the coolest or weirdest uncle ever
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
Because it was 5am and I had a shitty mixed drink and I was threatening to put my balls in your face.
Not the worst first impression I've experienced.
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
Don't make emojis simulating eating me out
I think it would be reallllly cool if you took your best friend to work so she doesnt have to have an awkward cab ride with the driver she drunkenly made out with last night ...
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I mean, we were all drinking, but I'm pretty sure kidnapping came up.
drunk snapchatting is the worst, because i woke up with great pictures of my tits saved to my memories and no idea who i sent them to
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Randomize
