I feel odd... a had sex with a chick and she keept her socks on...
Facebook really needs to add a bikini picture profile tab for girls, it would really save me countless amounts of time!
Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
He came up and told us to watch as he chugged his beer with no hands. Then asked if he could come drunk swimming with us.
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
I would let Bear Grills repel down a waterfall using my dick if I could go to sleep right now.
So how do I get back in good graces for trying to trade you for superbowl tickets?
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
I am dancing alone in my bathroom because I was paranoid the neighbors were watching through the windows
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