Woke up. Made a pizza. Burnt it. Going back to bed cuz today sucks
A disheveled girl in front of me just looked down, shrieked, and yelled to the girl next to her "what is this" while pointing at two large white stains near the crotch of her black jeans. I love that Thursdays are weekends, it makes awesome Friday mornings
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
Fun Fact: The stage were about to graduate on is where we once drove a van and kidnapped someone.
Fun Fact 2: My parents are sitting by the bushes I peed in this weekend.
Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life
.....a litte
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
I know how to say Yes, No, and Your Mother's Vagina. So almost fluent.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
Randomize
