The remote chance that I may get a blowjob is about the only reason I have a shower every day.
i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..
yeah thats usually a good indication.
Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
I fucking give up. OKC is where small penises go to disappoint me.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
Getting your clit pierced is not something you want to trust to a crazy girl with an ice cube, some vodka, and a sewing needle. Trust me. I learned that the hard way.
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
I told him no rough stuff and he immediately bit my ass. Who the fuck does that?
Look I'm really hungover so let's try this again. In 5 mins you're gonna call me and tell me that you're on your way with xannies, iced coffee and a back rub
i woke up with blood and cuts on my face and i don't remember anything after winning four games of beer pong in a row last night. and i'm still drunk.
you are a true champion. bear my children.
So he called his lawyer from the bar to confirm the cost of hitting the douchebag before flooring him. I respect his planning skills.
Randomize
