i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.
I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.
She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
I think I've just evolved into some kind of vodka fueled monster
I don't know if we can compare high school reunions anymore. The keg stands started before 7.
He called me skinny, I broke his garbage disposal, then denied him sex. Normal second date etiquette.
It's like he drunk calls 6 times for me to come over, but can't say hello at lunch.
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
He deliberately gets me high because he knows I fuck better and then I make food for two. I don't know if I should feel mad or proud of him for thinking that far.
Too high to wash a dish but just high enough for a kitchen fire
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