i find it a beautiful talent that i know how much pubic hair the girl in the next stall has just from the sound of her urine
ofcourse shes the first one pregnant. wasnt she the one who asked the middle school health teacher how many calories are in sperm?
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Apparently I filled my purse with chicken nuggets and told my mom I was a "sexual squirrel."
I have bite marks all over my ass. Is that an acceptable excuse for missing class?
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
he's the only real guy friend I've had who I've never made out with
She just. Cock slapped me. With string cheese.
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
