When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
Just turned down sex because it's a holy day of obligation, my mom would be proud.
Just saw some lesbians get in a fistfight in an Arby's parking lot. It's good to be home.
Just participated in the saddest thing: Cheetos. Handjob. I have lost at life
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He's not very smart so he didn't know I was yelling at him with monologues from Scandal.
if I hear Wonderful Christmastime one more time I'm putting my foot up Paul McCartney's ass.
Randomize
