I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
spotted: something called the tunnel of opression. i feel like if we patricipated we wouldnt even be phased or we could run it better than them
I'm sorry I compared your vagina to nascar
Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.
I rang in the new year by giving a lap dance to a Lutheran minister in a roomful of people including his wife. Jesus would be proud.
I spent the day drinking wine and meditating. I'm zen as fuck.
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
No he doesn’t answer my texts except for like on New Year’s Because like I was fucked up on New Year’s and he said happy new year and I told him the same and I called him dragonslayer and you can’t really recover from that
Don't worry about us we're making Mac and cheese
MAC AND CHEESE ABORTED, WE HAD FIRE
I just motorbotted some guy and my hair got stuck in his nipple ring...owww
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