Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on
I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.
Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
I feel like I should lick our pitcher just so everyone knows its ours
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I lost my vibrator temporarily and for some unknown reason my first thought was that you might have stolen it. But then I realized you would never do that because you know it keeps me from killing people. But I am overtired and lacking in faith.
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
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