Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?
ya, gonna go have sex there?
No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home
dunno bout you, but i grow tired of beef curtains
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
I can not be a lesbian living on Beaverland.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
Also I know you probably did not understand anything I said on the phone last night but thank you for pretending.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Randomize