I know im too high when i think porn has an interesting story line.
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
According to facebook, I opened up a can of whupass on some douche who poured all the vodka on the ground.
You called the wrong number but I salute you.
turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Fair warning birthday party last night avoid kitchen & upstairs bathroom if you value your remaining sanity
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
Randomize
