But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
I've decided that I only have enough money to either eat or drink over the next month. I'm sure you know what choice I've made.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
being alone eating nachos and drinking from a giant munchen beermug really isnt that sad
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I can feel the alcohol in my calves
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
Having to grow a landing strip to cover the bruises from pole dancing. Thanks for the birthday present, but next time, maybe just a gift card?
Mom looked at me, frowned, and said "it makes me sad to see you drink before noon.." So i told her if she doesn't like it she needs to stop waking me up before noon.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
Quote from doctor, "that is a VERY angry vagina".
I'm fucked.
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Randomize
