I don't usually arrange sex via text message
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
Farmville is her only friend.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
and now I know what throwing up pineapple chunks is like.
Yeah, we had those soaking in vodka for like 36 hours
outstanding.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
I may or may not have just hot boxed a backhoe on the construction site of a police station that's being rebuilt..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
Hey don't blame me, picking what flavor of condom to put on my dick is a very difficult selection process
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
Enjoy the penises
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
