Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
Jesus knows you're telling a lie.
Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster
Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
The last time I went to Vegas and the sun started to rise, my copilot went home with her nipples pierced.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
send nudes
from the living room?
Randomize
