Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
i mean he wasn't bad looking, but i wouldn't have slept with my professor if i knew everyone would get an A
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
we made it to hole 3 and then just sat down on the fairway and finished off our case....cheered on other golfers as we let them play through.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
The best part of last night was the women's softball game on the TV at the strip club
Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
So far my survey results are telling me to pawn the ring. Thoughts?
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
Oh man I missed being single! Two different guys just sent me dick pics during my kid’s little league game.
I don't know why this person would ask for help. It sounds pretty OK to me. Also, I'd steal those bagpipes.
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
