He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.
You're High aren't you?
Sooooo high
Dude the tree smoked with me. I planted the roach with it and smiled.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
Simple math equation: Up till 5 a.m. drinking + up at 9 a.m. for nephews birthday party = puking in the pool
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
I made out with drunk Joe Dirt and then put his mullet wig on for him. True Halloween romance.
Dick. I'll go round and break his windows. I've been watching Sons of Anarchy on Netflix.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
I thought my sex drive was gone but let me tell you it is back with a vengeance
It's official! Naked girl is back and making stir fry. Still not sure she realizes we can see her whole apartment from our balcony. Cheap beer and a show.
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