what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I mean I'm not worried about us not getting wasted. I'm more worried that I'll be doing a Boris yeltzen impression by 1030.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I can't imagine anything that has a removal ass flap as being sexy
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Yeah.. I'm sorry I broke your phone. But in my defense you handed me the frying pan.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
I knew there was a problem when things got heated and instead of rushing home I offered to get bagels instead
So what if I got a tattoo on a bus, it was sterile.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
His beard looks like it smells like beer, cocaine and old pussy juice
I ran into the marine at the grocery store. Its like my vag and his penis have this way of finding each other when I least want it.
When I told the bartender it was my 21st birthday, he looked at me all pissed and said "But you've been drinking here as 21 for the past 2 years.." How do you THINK the night went?
So I take it free shots were a no after that?
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