Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.
How was me telling you it's my mom's birthday a go-ahead to bang my sister???
You went around chanting "dinosaur period" and drinking tomato soup from the can.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I can't handle more than one dick at once. I become crazy. It's hard to be mellow and free spirited and polygamous at the same time.
I just feel weird about accepting their wedding invite when I've got a post-engagement video on my phone of him jacking off in my bathroom.
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
There are some people who should not be trusted with a cell phone while drunk. You know your one of them when you call the cops on your own party.
First time not coming to this class high in a month and a half, never again will i put myself thru this torture
Randomize
