My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.
Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver
There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I told him if he wanted to lose weight he had to learn self control. Less than ten minutes after that I ate a cookie off the floor...
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Still pimpin that dick in the cornfields. Now it's just transferred to the local bar.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
I got a free corona t-shirt and all I had to do was drink a beer. This needs to be a more widely accepted form of currency.
Hey do you care to explain why there are 3 empty pickle jars next to me when I woke up or do I even wanna know?
Randomize
