Would it be quicker to bike the freeway home?
I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Well he asked to have a sober hang out so i guess that constitutes as a date in college
They got their marriage license when they were at the courthouse for her arraignment.
He paid me $20 to swallow a baggie of glitter, which turned out to be the best decision I've ever made. My vomit has never been prettier.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.
that was THE gayest party i've ever been to
To be fair, the theme was Cabaret. I don't know what you were expecting.
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
We BOTH lost our virginities there. It's basically a landmark.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I'm in a corner eating carrots and drinking champagne. I've hit a new kind of low.
How is that low? I love carrots.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
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