By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.
You got the whole drunk bus to sing, "In The Jungle" while conducting with your glowsticks.
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
I'm the only one who goes to a bar and leaves with an extra twenty bucks and a pumpkin.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
Vagic. Defined as a kind of magic one has over a girl's vagina. Used in a sentence... he's an accomplished vagician.
I was packing a bowl naked and her dog just stared at me with pure rage
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
When he busted out the ketchup I got the hell out of there. It got really creepy really fast.
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