Tell her she can't have a vagina
It's 8:30am and I'm drinking.... this is a new low
I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...
what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?
donating our bodies to science does not justify what were doing to them.
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
came home to a trail of roses from the door halfway up the stairs. but my nonsingle roommate lives downstairs. idk if they celebrated on the stairs or if some girl tried to woo me last night and i don't remember
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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