every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
Just spun two beer bottles and Placed them in my pockets perfect... I feel like the clint eastwood of drunks
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass
Ignoring the crisis im in. Sitting in the front yard in a kiddie pool. Wearing arm floaties, fins and a snorkel. Waiting for a hot guy to walk by.
Is it penis luge time yet?
Bisexual Viking-cowboy hybrid is at the bar again
Dibsssss
Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.
The bartender said he wanted to turn you gay, and we got free shots the rest of the night
I said "I am wrapped in the Cocoon Of Comfort! You should go." He started to argue and I yelled "COCOON OF COMFORT!!!" silencing him
I shaved an Xmas tree into my junk.... I placed your present underneath.
Bacardi 151 is like a past nightmare I'm still curious about
driving home hungover today was like a life test..it was like the goblet of fire
Randomize
