on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
I've learned something. I regret way too may Tuesdays in my life to be normal
Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted
In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
It's Been a while since I puked in vomit bush. I hope it doesn't feel neglected
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
Leave it to me to pull up my boyfriend’s grandfather’s obituary just to find out the name of his sister.
I'll seduce him with my charm, after all, I am a graceful swan.
More like a demented cow.
The awkward moment when you're leaving the most attractive guy you've ever been with and you're trying not to shit on yourself. Fucking welcome to my life
i think i left you like a 5 minute message about the mcchicken burger i was eating. I think I called wanting sex but the mcchicken burger was a lot more seducing.
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