I think your x's eyes are broken his new girl is so hit
I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at
Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans
I just threw up in my hands while sitting on the toilet
He warned me he may piss the bed. I'm oddly okay with this.
she made me take her to the grocery store to buy a gallon of sweet tea and a shit ton of band aids, the cashier asked if someone was hurt and she replied "not yet.."
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
When are you going to accept the fact he is gay?
Come on... He's just practicing.
Ok. That's acceptable.
I woke up this morning wearing his boxers as a shirt
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
If you could come do me into like a 12 hour coma that'd be great
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Randomize
